JOSH is friggin' hilarious (well, to me)

My eldest chid is friggin hilarious. His quick-witted humor floors me.

CUT THE TALK

After playing with his superhero figures, we took a break for snack time. I asked Josh a question and he lifted his hand over his head and while cutting through the air with his hand he said "let's cut the talk and start the playing".

BOOTY WIPING

As some of you know, my goal is to have Josh wipe his own booty.

One time he came out of the bathroom with a toilet paper tail telling me that he was the Loch Ness monster (see pic above).

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Another time, he was wiping his but with a wet wipe and it got stuck. He started hopping around saying "look at me...i am a friggin bunny.".

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Another time he informed me of his bowel movement.
Josh: mommy, I can't wipe my butt.

Me: yes you can.

Josh: mommy, I pooed so much that I created a poo mountain in the toilet. If I wipe my butt, I'll get poo on them.

Me: Josh wipe your butt.
(After not hearing anything for a few minutes, I asked the dreaded question "What are you doing in there?")

Josh: I wiped my butt and got poo on my hands. So I washed them and had a bubble party.

(Flash to the scene of me walking to the bathroom seeing bubbles in the sink, on the floor, on the wall, on the towel and on my fruit loopy child).

BLOG REQUEST: BACON

List 5 reasons why you love bacon.

1. It makes a bland egg and cheese biscuit into a spectacular breakfast treat...bacon, egg and cheese biscuit = damn good.

2. BLTs would be a salad without bacon.

3. I love crunchy bacon. It is better than licking a block of salt.

4. Smoked applewood bacon on top of a swiss cheeseburger is orgasmic.

5. When I hear 'bacon', I can't help but think of a cop (pig). I remember a cop (God bless him for risking his life everyday for the general public but damn he was an asshole and most likely he still is because he has a friggin' God complex but I digress because that is not the point of the story. ) who was freakishly tan and I would call him bacon because I was a young jackass. He probably loved it because I was the bomb in my twenties...or so I liked to think. Ahhhh BACON. You bring so many happy memories back.

BACON.

BLOG REQUEST: Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Create a story that must have the following incorporated into it Captain Jean-Luc Picard, a no. 2 pencil, chocolate cake, and toe rings.

This is a quickie since I have to get my sweet Benji.

As the busy Captain of the Starship Enterprise, Captain Jean-Luc Picard likes to take a few minutes of time to get back to the basics by using his favorite no. 2 holographic pencil to write down his feelings; partake in a naughty lil midnight snack of chocolate cake with a glass of warm milk; and fantasize about skanky alien hodogs that wear toe rings on each of their 30 toes.

And the toys continue to go in hiding...

My spirited young man has been naughty with a capital N the past few days. Don't get me wrong, I am insanely blessed to have Josh. He can be the sweetest and funniest lil man in the world (at least to moi).

Well, after running off in the mall (2x) and then the next day running out of a restaurant and into the parking lot before I could maneuver Ben in the stroller to the doors, I took away quite a few toys.

This morning Josh was being a bit saucy with his verbiage. He was opening and closing the doors upstairs loudly and Benji was trying to sleep.

Me: Josh, please stop opening and closing the doors. Ben is trying to sleep.

Josh (opens and closes the door): Like this.

Me (rolling my eyes to the point that I feared my retinas would detach): Um, yes, Josh....like that. Please stop...

Josh (opens and closes the door): Or like this.

Me: Josh if you do that again you are going into time out.

Josh: Why, I will only escape and there is nothing you can do about it.

Me: Hmmm, really. I think that if you escape there is something I can do about it.

Josh: No, nahnnny nahnnnny poo poo.

Me (trying to suppress the urge to smack him): Guess what?

Josh: What?

Me: You just lost more of your Batman figures.

Josh: I will find them.

Me: I doubt that Josh. Keep it coming if you want to lose all of them.

Josh is muttering under his breath and then says: I know something you can't take away.

Me: What?

Josh: My imagination.

Me (thinking "holy crap that is good!" but having to discipline my lil linquistic sassmouther): That is correct Josh. I can not take away your imagination and even if I could I never would.

Josh: Can I get my toys back now.

Me: No

Josh: Sorry mommy for being naughty.

Me: Thank you for apologizing.

Josh: How about now? Do I get them back now.

Me: No

Josh: Why are you not giving them back...I said SOOOOORRRRRRRRRRYYYY. (He said this dramatic and sassy-like).

Me: You have to earn them back by being a good boy. We all have our ouchie moments. I am simply asking you to listen to mommy and be respectful.

Of course we had a discussion about personal safety each time my Olympic sprinter darted from the scene on Thursday and Friday.

The boy has been informed that if he runs off again...NO MORE LEGO BATMAN. Holy crap he got a stunned look in his face. DAMN STRAIGHT. MAMA is NOT PLAYING.

I must applaud (inside not outside) Josh for his incredibly clever and witty comebacks. I am like DAMN he is quick-witted. All the sudden I am taking lessons in quick-wittedness from my soon to be 4 year old boy.

Girl Scout Cookies = Bags of Crack

Enough said.

Poo Explosion

My poor wee whipper doodle had quite a dandy of an explosion (I won't get into the color, consistency and smell - ew can describe it well enough). It was EVERYWHERE. Lordy, I was so upset that I recently did the dishes in the sink and had them drying in the adjoining sink. I could have moved my sweet screaming poopy child and hosed him down in the sink. Seeing that the boy currently loathes the water...the neighbors could possibly call DCFS.

Any hootie ho, it is this incident that makes me realize...I would like to give cloth diapers a try once Ben is eating solids. WHY???? Because it just seems nicer for the environment.

So now, I am on the hunt for super sweet deals for cloth diapers. My only prob is that my child is in the 92nd percentile for height/weight and I am afraid to buy anything that I will be using in 2 months. Ben will be turning 4 months on 2/27!

ZOMBIE MOMMY - MJ THRILLER REMAKE

Okay, last night was ever so fun. Note that I am currently bathing in sarcasm stew...practically guzzling sarcasm stew...oozing it out of my gosh darn tired pores.

Yes, every parent has to deal with bedtime struggles. I don't care to hear from the delusional parent that thinks their child shits gold. THEY DON'T SO SHUT THE FLARN FILTH FLARN UP.

Last night Ben was a gassy crying baby mingled with smiles because I hate seeing my wee whipper doodle turning red in the face from crying so hard. Obviously, he finally managed to get to sleep and allow me a couple of hours of much needed rest before I heard from Josh "My penis won't go down.". UM.

So then it was mommy who informed him to try going to the bathroom and maybe it would go down then. Sure enough it did. THANK YOU BABY JESUS. So I am slowly trying to wake up and after 5 more minutes Josh has to run in the hallway with his no voice modulation voice that he has to go poo. I informed him that he doesn't need to announce it to the neighborhood. I realize at this time that it would be a good time to spackle makeup on me to give the illusion of not being a zombie. He finishes his poo party in which I have to wipe his booty and help him wash his hands and yadda yadda.

Then he is amused by his computer...great time to pack the diaper bag and get dressed for the day before Ben wakes up.

THEEEEEEEEEN, it dawns on me that I want to write a script for a MJ Thriller remake with tired parents in a zombie like mode. Oh it has most likely been done but not Joellie-style.

Well "THE MAN" (Chris) is heading out the door to work and I tell him about my plans to remake the THRILLER video while simultaneously unloading the dishwasher and rotating a hula hoop on my right ankle (okay, I didn't have a hula hoop but wouldn't be amazing if I did?).

Chris is amused and then said "Oh, so this is what you do with your free time (ha ha ha ha free time...I digress).".

What I wanted to say: "Yes, I live in a land filled with magical prancing pink ponies that shoot rainbow-colored sprinkles out of their ass. A land where dust bunnies come to life and do the laundry and moldy cheese takes out the garbage."

What I said: "Yep".

Side note: Have you ever looked at your hands and realized a stain on them and said to yourself "HOW THE FUC@ did that get there?". Okay...I am slap happy. I will most likely crash HARD @ noon. Josh will no doubt whip out the PlayDoh and create a lil village of PlayDoh people on my jiggling gut. Ben will just beg to be changed while looking so gosh darn chubilishously cute.

Hmmm, wonder if I will get to pick up my GS cookies this morning from Addie? Probably not since WEE chubilishous baby is sleeping. Ahhhhhhhhhh, what is happening with my right eye? All the sudden it feels like someone threw a big ball of stuff I am allergic into it. GUH. Now my nose is running. Seriously. My body is against me.

And in conclusion...THRILLER.

GRAMMAR or GRAMMER or GRAMMUR

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Deaf, Selective Hearing, Ignoring My Wishes or Just a Complete Asshole

DEAF: Um, not as far as I know but maybe the individuals in question have a ridiculous amount of ear wax clogging up the "LISTENING DUCTS".

SELECTIVE HEARING: I know that this is the case for my son Josh.

What I say: "Josh, don't wake up your brother.".

What he hears: "Josh, why don't you wake up your brother? He'd friggin' love it."

What I say: "Josh, it is time to pick up your toys and put them away."

What he hears: "Josh, it is time to run around in your underwear screaming about not wanting to go to bed and how you have to play with more toys in order to be happy."

What I say: "Josh, please finish your food before leaving the table."

What he hears: "Josh, please run around like an idiot and bang your head on the table a few times because we all enjoy when you bump into us under the table and act like a dog."

IGNORING ME: I know this is what some of my family members do and it irritates the shit out of me...hence me being so regular but I digress.

What I say: "Please do not give him any more toys...at least til his b-day. He expects it everytime he sees you."

What they hear: "Please disregard everything I say and do whatever the heck you want. Heck, go ahead and buy him a new car even though he is not even FOUR yet."

Then I will tell them again about Josh expecting gifts all the time and using this when he is in trouble and has a toy taken from him. "Mommy, I don't care anymore because I can ask $R$IY and they will get it for me." UMMMMMMMM, WTF.

COMPLETE ASSHOLE: Too many to list but my wee one has just woken (is that even a word) up and is upset that I am not in his grill to supply a tasty milky treat.

DUCT TAPE

Recent FB convo.

ME: I need to put duct tape on Josh's mouth so Ben can sleep. Looking fwd to when Ben is older and can jump on Josh's bed to wake him up for school. Good times. Yes, good times.

SIGRID: Revenge can be tricky... What if they figured it be way more fun for both to jump on your bed to get the day started

ME: They need to be prepared for a tickle fest. Because I will bring it on like DONKEY KONG.

orrrrr

I can merely slap them in the head with a pillow and be done with it.

What should I be when I grow up...

This is a question I've been pondering FOREVER (or so it seems).

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL: Artist and Scientist

HIGH SCHOOL: Artist/Art Historian/Scientist

COLLEGE: Artist/Scientist (then that was gone due to a bitch ass nun with a chip on her shoulder. She called me when I had the FLU and told me how I was being unfair to my lab partner and I was dumbfounded. I told her that "My lab partner is one of my best friends and she is well aware that I am sick. In fact, she is going to be leaving notes at my door this evening.". THE BITCH then said -yes, I still remember this- "Well, I saw you on campus walking around and laughing". I said "Sister, I left the confines of my dorm room so that I could get fresh air; food to eat from the cafeteria; my mail; meds for ear infection and happened to bump into a friend who thought I was dead.". The bitch did not apologize instead she said something ridiculous and hung up. I hated her actions and wonder what the hell flew up her ass.)/Due to the Chem teacher being a mega hose beast, I went into Communications

AFTER COLLEGE: Got stuck in the awful world of marketing, pr and advertising. Thought it would be super cool. Nope.

Tried to ESCAPE the heinousness of that world by taking Improv classes (FUN!!!!). Of course, I would merely do it as an escape and not something professionally because that takes an insane amount of talent and a very thick skin.

However, a Mary Kay woman actually helped me transform my world by bringing me back to having a dream. Such a sweet woman. This is when I jump started a bridal makeup artistry biz in 2001 and then went to Pivot Point International to become an esthetician (combining my love of SCIENCE and ART).

NOW: Ummmmm. I am a mommy. Best and most demanding job ever. However, I am longing for a career once my boys are both in school. GUH.

What will I be when I grow up?

SITTING is TRICKY

Benji is very proud of himself for sitting up.

Oh...losing balance.

Slowly falling...

Man down. I repeat BABY DOWN.

It was so precious. Only wish I had a camera on me other than my beloved i-Phone.

Who is Joelle?

I find that people have some wacked ass idea of who I am and I am here to set the record straight.

I :

1. do not talk 24/7. Silence is golden to me.

2. listen as well as I ramble.

3. do swear like a drunken sailor at times and no alcohol has been introduced to the picture.

4. love laughter. It makes my heart smile to make others laugh. There is so much angst in the world that it is nice to escape for awhile.

5. am sometimes quite shy. People either mistake this for being depressed or being a snob.

6. do suffer from depression but find happiness when I look into the eyes of my boys or hear the laughter of family and friends.

7. miss my mother immensely

8. can be a very strict disciplinarian.

9. am honest when I tell people "I'll pray for you" or "Do you need help". I am not one of those wankers that say stupid shit just to look good in the eyes of others. If you need help, call me. I love my friends and will do anything for them (well, almost anything).

10. wish everyone owned a pair of rose-colored glasses.

eh, the list can go on and on and on. But the point being made is that I am not a one-sided individual that is always goofy or rambling on for hours.

In conclusion, don't act like you know someone when you have barely scratched the surface. You have no clue what they have been through to shape them into the person they are today. You have no idea what pain they may have lying in their heart that can never go away.

Ps. Huge pet peeve. Do not tell a person who is depressed "CHEER UP!" Instead ask "Do you need a hug or do you need someone a friendly ear to bend?" CHEER UP is the dumbest fucking statement ever. Do you think that the individual wants to be sad? SERIOUSLY. Some individuals may have every reason to be happy but suffer from a chemical imbalance. So before you idiotically say to someone "You have every reason to be happy.", ask yourself if you truly know this individual inside and out.

Loving You is Easy Because Your Beautiful

I am not talking about myself (even though I love myself as a person, I know that there is always room for improvement). I am talking about my teeth-yellowing fabulous coffee maker by Keurig.

LOVE IT. LOVE IT SO MUCH THAT I WOULD MARRY IT...UM, BECAUSE I LOVE IT.

The object of my affection. Keurig Coffee Maker.

The first part of waking up is yummmmmilishus coffee. DECAF OF COURSE.

First sip is glorious.

Ahhh, ooppps the caffeine kicked in (thought it was decaf).

It's gone, really. That was fast.

My Lil Entertainer

HA HA HA...Josh is always making me laugh...and always testing my patience. After a particularly annoying LUNCH episode in which he refused to eat, I gave up and said "fine, you're done." and took his plate away. He whined "I want my carrots and applesauce still." Fine, whatever.

So Josh decided to act like his carrots were action figures. GO FIGURE. I said "We don't play with our food Josh.". He looked at me and chewed pathetically on the carrot.

Next thing ya know, Captain Jackass is at it again with the food. I said "ENOUGH". He then said "Mommy, where is the carrot?".

Me: In your hand because you have three on your plate so the fourth one is in your hand.

Josh: You're good mommy but try this...(this is when he takes the carrot in his hand and puts his hands behind his back and then whips out both hands in front of his face in a David Copperfield flamboyant way). Now which hand is it in.

Me: Your right (and I pointed to his right hand).

Josh: Wow, you're really good at this. Have you been practicing? Okay, try this. (Once again his hands go behind his back and out again). How about now?

Me: Your left (and I pointed to his left hand).

Josh (He gets a lil frazzled): Hmmm, okay how about now?

Me: Your right.

Josh: You're wrong because I have a carrot in both hands.

Me: Um, Josh, I am not wrong since I found a carrot and you did not ask me to find carrots.

Josh: OH!!! (This is when he picks up one carrot and puts both hands behind his back and then out again). Which hand now?

Me: Right.

Josh (puts his hands behind his back and then shows an empty right hand): Wrong, try again. (He puts both hands behind his back again and then out in front again).

Me: Left.

Josh (puts his hands behind his back and then shows an empty left hand): Ahhhhh HAAAA, you are wrong. Are you wondering how the carrot disappeared?

Me: No

Josh: MOMMY!

Me: Yes, Yes I am.

Josh: Well, let me show you how it is done (this is when he was showing me how the trick was done and how I could now show all my friends).

Josh: TA DAAAA!

Extremely Observant

My son, Josh, never ceases to amaze me.

We were watching two episodes of Scooby Doo with Batman, Robin, Joker and Penquin were in. Throughout each episode he would say something like "Mommy, why isn't Batman wearing his gloves now." I was like WHAT. He said "Rewind it." So, I rewinded the tape to find that in one frame Batman is wearing his gloves holding counterfeit money in the next frame a close-up of the counterfeit money, we see that Batman no longer has on his gloves. UMMMMMM...wow, that was observant. Later in the episode he said "Why is there one less button on the control panel?". I said "What are you talking about?". I rewinded the video again and sure enough a button was missing.

Heck, he even noticed that my husband got a new remote for the garage door since his old one wasn't working. His old remote had 3 buttons on it and was small. The new one has 1 button on it and is the same size. Josh asked him "What happened to the other buttons on your opener?". HOLY CRAP.

Sooooooooo, when Josh acts like he doesn't know where something is, I roll my eyes in disbelief. I'm like "Where did you last put it?". "Mommy, I put it on the kitchen counter but it is no longer there.". Sure enough, I moved his toy back into the toy area and forgot where I had put it. The boy noticed something out of place and said "Help me look mommy!". We found it in the area he thought looked recently messed up.

How can he have this freakish memory yet ............eh, I am floored at the mind of an almost FOUR year old.

He can be freakish one time and then he is back to being a typical lil kid. Yes, his vocab is also impressive...a blessing and a curse.

CANCER SUCKS

I am so sick of hearing about another child losing their life to cancer. It is not fair. I know this may sound evil but I wish they could remove the cancer entirely and put it into someone on death row.

I also hate how someone can be given a clean bill of health and then go into a diabetic coma AND THEN get out of it and have the idiotic hospital staff tell her that they will keep her over the weekend ANDDDDDDD THEN after much discomfort she tells them she is having problems breathing. Next, they take a series of x-rays and find a tumors (yes, plural). Her daughter calls the hospital and they tell her that they plan to get her mother stable so they can address the situation. When her daughter gets to the hospital she sees an x-ray in the ICU and thinks "NO NO NO NO NO, WHY DEAR GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?!?!?" without even being told that it is her mom's x-ray. She musters up the strength to be positive with her mom who is obviously scared and not ready to die. Sadly, even though the daughter is not a doctor...she knows the end is near because there is no way to attack a tumor that large. The daughter plans her mother's funeral (it was beautiful) while her mom fights. Within a week of her mom being told "You have cancer." Her beautiful mom dies. Never to meet the grandchildren she so desperately wanted. My heart has never healed from this devastating loss.

I've lost friends and family members to this awful disease and I have biopsy scars across my body. I wish a miracle could happen and there would be a magic wand to destroy cancer.

In summary, FUCK YOU CANCER!