Jokes by Josh

Josh: Mommy, I gotta joke.
Me: Let's hear it.
Josh: Knock knock. (pause) Mommy, you need to ask who's there.
Me: Who's there?
Josh (jumps in the air shaking jazz hands and screams...): Boo thats who.

Josh slaps his thighs and says: That's a good one (then he giggles).

I nearly peed in my pants because his delivery of the joke was far superior than the joke itself. Tears actually escaped from my tired eyes because I was laughing so hard at him slapping his thighs and telling me how funny the joke was.

Random Moments with Josh: Poop

Josh told me he had to go reeeeeeally bad and that a poo storm was rolling in. I was like "instead of telling me about it, sit on the toilet".

He sat on the toilet and informed everyone "ahhhh it feels soooo good to poo.". Then a few seconds later I hear "mommy, you need to check this out. My poop is in the shape of a plane.".

My Name is Sucky Suckerton the Blog Writing Slacker

Need I say more. No. Okay, I will...I suck at keeping up with my blog even though there is oodles of stuff to chit chat about.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, right now I am dealing with mental midgets that feel the need to be loud ass muthatruckers. These mental midgets happen to be the college kids that live next door to me. DON'T GET ME WRONG, they can be super duper nice but in the evening ... um, there is a noise ordinance JACKASSES!!! At 10 pm if you are a loud ass muthatrucker, you can get fined or the cops can come over and bust your skinny asses.

My prob is that I've nicely confronted them and even placed a dab of humor in my emails to them (yes, I have their emails - perk of helping the management group and Board). Hmmm, maybe I will post these emails. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

From: "pr@timberwalkhoa.org"

Date: September 7, 2009 9:56:22 PM EDT

To: BLEEEEEP

Subject: NOISE LEVEL at #### RC From your next door neighbor)

Dear BLEEEEP,

I loathe writing to you because I know that our household can be loud with a rambunctious but oh so loveable 3-year old that lives to dance around the house to the obnoxious musical stylings of "Imagination Movers", "Backyardigans" and the heinous yet addictive "KIDZ BOP". With that being said, please let me know if we get too loud due to him being a 3-year old who has a tendency to have no voice modulation AND the fact that he is a stubborn lil independent man that requires discipline.

ALSO, I am asking for the same type of courtesy. Please turn down (not off, just lower) your music around 8:30 p.m. (his bedtime). I love music as much as the next person but when the water in my glass starts to shake (like from the scene in Jurassic Park) from the music emanating from your abode, I know that the music is much too loud.

Once again, I am sorry to write to you about this issue but it is hard for me to put my child to bed when he hears the music...once again visualize a silly lil dancing machine. I would merely come next door but I am saving your retinas from viewing an overly tired large pregnant woman.

Warmest regards,

Joelle Geiger
Timberwalk HOA PR Committee
pr@timberwalkhoa.org

http://www.timberwalkhoa.org

==============

From: "pr@timberwalkhoa.org"

Date: September 13, 2009 8:37:43 AM EDT

To: Bleep

Bcc: Bleep

Subject: Re: NOISE LEVEL at #### RC (From your next door neighbor)

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE realize that the bass on your music is sooooo incredibly loud. My husband was (why he couldn't merely knock on your door is beyond me) kept awake til 3 am with the music. I lucked out because I slept in my son's room (away from the shared wall).

All we ask for is our next door neighbors to be considerate of your music levels. I do my best to keep our level low because the shared wall sucks. I hope to GOD ABOVE that you do not hear the obnoxiousness of the children's music.

Sorry to bother you again but please please please realize that my husband is a busy professor at FGCU, I have a crazy toddler that needs sleep (or he is a hellion) and if this preggo gets no sleep (I am a bitch on wheels...scary but true...).



Joelle Geiger
Timberwalk HOA PR Committee
pr@timberwalkhoa.org

http://www.timberwalkhoa.org

=====================

From: pr@timberwalkhoa.org

Date: March 13, 2010 10:08:47 PM EST

To: BLEEP

My husband was about to go next door to tell you to turn it down just a wee bit since our baby's room and the master bedroom share a wall with your abode...but then my 4 year old came out of his room and started dancing saying that he can't go to bed when the music is on...he's gotta dance (seriously?!).

So in summary, I hate hate hate being the bitchy neighbor that says "turn down the music, puhleeeez".

I apologize for the loud noise that emanates from my abode (crying baby, a very "spirited" lil man and me yelling - which doesn't work anyway- at the very spirited lil man).


Joelle Geiger
Timberwalk HOA PR Committee
pr@timberwalkhoa.org

http://www.timberwalkhoa.org



On Feb 21, 2010, at 10:39 PM, Joelle Geiger wrote:

Holy crap guys, the loud boom that we thought was someone hurling the Battlestar Galactica at our townhome has just been explained (after waking my husband - who slept right through it) by my hubby via the internet...SONIC BOOM.

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2010/feb/20/expect-another-sonic-boom-over-naples-during-space

It is always fab when stuff like this happens after just calming down a spaztic 4 year old and a crying 4 month old. Note the sarcasm that I am bathing in.

Drama King

Josh told me 5x rapid fire that he needed a tissue or his nose would explode and then he wouldn't be able to breathe.

Josh: TISSSSSSSSSUUUUES!!!

Me: Josh, you have one in your hand.

Josh: But it already has BOOGERRRRS in it! It is dirty. I can't use a dirty tissue!!!!

Me: Josh, you know where the tissues are...get one.

Josh: But my nose is going to explode and then I won't be able to breathe. The hole would be clogged with boogies.

Me: WOW. Someone in the house is a huge drama king.

Josh: I can't be a drama king because I don't have a crown (say this in your best snotty attitudinal voice).

Me: Hmmmmm (this is when I went into the cabinet to get my tools to make ... a crown for him).

Crown made.

Me: Josh, I made something for you.

Josh: Ooooo, what is it.

Me: A crown.

Josh: oh. What does it say?

Me: Drama King.

Josh is giggling while snot flings out of his wee nose.

Josh: Can I wear it?

Me: Yes.

A ceremony ensues with him having the crown placed upon his head by QUEEN CRABBY PATTY (Me, I came up the name). The ceremony was attended by KING POOPY PANTS (Josh named Ben since he had a poop explosion earlier today).

Good times my friends. Good times.

BOOGERS!

Whose got cabin fever? I've got cabin fever!!!

Well, Josh started looking sick on Saturday night. Then Sunday the snot dropped in. Today he is a MESS...The poor kid is such a drama king about his snot. OMG, a tissue box will be right in front of him and he has to scream "TISSSSSSSUE! TISSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUE!". I'm like "Josh it is right in front of you." "TISSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUEEE!".

Feel bad for my sick big boy.

Benji had a cold (congestion and cough) but seemed to really enjoy the fresh air on Saturday.

Hello my name is Joelle and my only form of communication with the outside world is through electronic means. Thank you technology for keeping me sane....now praying for no power outages because that would suck ass. Well, at least I have my iPhone to keep in touch with peeps. On that note, I should charge the portable DVD player.

SOCCER: Mommy, did you see me almost win?

Well, this past Saturday Josh had his first go at soccer. He was super giddy getting ready at home; still super giddy and anxious on the way to the soccer field; stillllll giddy when he saw his best bud; overly giddy at practice (Mommy......I got a bunch of goals!) and then the game began...he looked a lil confused about what was going on but as long as my boy was having fun, that is all that matters.

We saw several familiar faces on different fields and this made Josh happy BUTTTTTTTTTTT he jumped into my arms and said "Mommy, I'm done now. Done.". Later on he asked me if I saw him almost win (love the way he put it). And I said "Yes, sweetie...and you'll get even better the more you play. You simply have to help your team by getting the ball into the goal net that is located on the other side of where you started the game."

Josh was quiet for a lil bit and said something along the lines of how he doesn't understand how we had so many balls for practice and then they disappeared during the game. He went on to state "Mommy, wouldn't it be easier to get a goal if each of us had a ball (UM NO, it would be even more chaotic)."

Me: "No".

Josh: "We'll at least give each team a ball so they can try and hit in the net.".

Me: "Honey, there is only one GAME ball on the field during the GAME. The goal is to steal the ball from the other team so they can not make a goal and your team can make a goal."

Josh: "Eh"

Me: "Did you have fun?"

Josh: "Yes, I had fun making goals (during practice)."

The look on his face when we took him out to lunch with his grandparents was priceless. He was so incredibly happy.

Just Call Me Patches

I am trying hard to get up-to-date with my doc appts.

Dentist = CHECK

Ob/Gyn = CHECK but have to get lab work

Lab Work at Quest (super friggin' fuckutastic) = Friday

Dermatology = Minor surgery needed - 3 biopsies (one is a regrowth).

Okay, I am going to take a break from the list to stress the importance of sunscreen YEAR ROUND. Many of my biopsies are located on parts of my body that have been covered with clothes. Skin cancer is not pretty and can kill you if you do not do an annual skin check. EVEN with an annual check a doctor may overlook something so pleeeeeeeeeeeeease take care of your largest organ.

Eyes = Um, I know I need to get new glasses but guh. However, I saw really cute frames.

Chiropractor = Lugging around my beautiful chub and occasionally my big boy is taking a toll on my already heinous back.

Took Josh to the Pediatric dentist and recently found out that PEDIATRIC DENTISTRY is a specialist. Um. Whatever.

Took Ben to his 4 month check-up and I loathe vaccines but I loathe what can happen without some vaccines.

And in conclusion...I am putting a lot of doctor's kids through college.

I would like to say that I am going to visit a plastic surgeon to suck the fat out of me and do a tummy tuck but that would be sort of sucky too since the recovery time is NOT FUN (from what I heard). HOWEVER, I will do my best to love me the way I am.

BLOG REQUEST: The Making of Fuchnacht

Well, I am writing this very brief blog entry for my beloved pal Steve Smith.

Hmmm, he mentioned to write about how FUCHNACHT became the party fun fest that lives on and on and on (at least in my memory). Hmmmmm, seriously...I don't remember anything of my twenties because a lot of it contained WORKING WORKING WORKING DRINKING DATING LOSERS WORKING DRINKING and MORE DRINKING. Therefore I only go by what I hear...from Neumann, Steve, Judith and etc.

I guess I was driving in the BIG WINDY and some tool cut me off and I called him a FUCKKNOCKER. For some reason this was found to be funny and to me it is merely a Joelleism...no big schnickerdoodle. Seeing that the Wrigley peeps were always one to celebrate...um...everything............"Me Swearing at a TOOL" or a crazy thing called CUBS games or some hooking up party or "I found spare change in my pocket and need to get my sauce on" and so forth, this party came to fruition by the ringleader known as Neumann (at least I think so...don't remember...). I do remember showing up to a party with a gigantic alien container (that I think Beth and I found at Walgreens or something) filled with alcohol and taking pics with it. Ohhhhh alien container, I miss you. Why did you have to succumb to mold?

In summary, I remember a lot of fun was had and um...yeah.

JOSH is friggin' hilarious (well, to me)

My eldest chid is friggin hilarious. His quick-witted humor floors me.

CUT THE TALK

After playing with his superhero figures, we took a break for snack time. I asked Josh a question and he lifted his hand over his head and while cutting through the air with his hand he said "let's cut the talk and start the playing".

BOOTY WIPING

As some of you know, my goal is to have Josh wipe his own booty.

One time he came out of the bathroom with a toilet paper tail telling me that he was the Loch Ness monster (see pic above).

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Another time, he was wiping his but with a wet wipe and it got stuck. He started hopping around saying "look at me...i am a friggin bunny.".

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Another time he informed me of his bowel movement.
Josh: mommy, I can't wipe my butt.

Me: yes you can.

Josh: mommy, I pooed so much that I created a poo mountain in the toilet. If I wipe my butt, I'll get poo on them.

Me: Josh wipe your butt.
(After not hearing anything for a few minutes, I asked the dreaded question "What are you doing in there?")

Josh: I wiped my butt and got poo on my hands. So I washed them and had a bubble party.

(Flash to the scene of me walking to the bathroom seeing bubbles in the sink, on the floor, on the wall, on the towel and on my fruit loopy child).

BLOG REQUEST: BACON

List 5 reasons why you love bacon.

1. It makes a bland egg and cheese biscuit into a spectacular breakfast treat...bacon, egg and cheese biscuit = damn good.

2. BLTs would be a salad without bacon.

3. I love crunchy bacon. It is better than licking a block of salt.

4. Smoked applewood bacon on top of a swiss cheeseburger is orgasmic.

5. When I hear 'bacon', I can't help but think of a cop (pig). I remember a cop (God bless him for risking his life everyday for the general public but damn he was an asshole and most likely he still is because he has a friggin' God complex but I digress because that is not the point of the story. ) who was freakishly tan and I would call him bacon because I was a young jackass. He probably loved it because I was the bomb in my twenties...or so I liked to think. Ahhhh BACON. You bring so many happy memories back.

BACON.

BLOG REQUEST: Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Create a story that must have the following incorporated into it Captain Jean-Luc Picard, a no. 2 pencil, chocolate cake, and toe rings.

This is a quickie since I have to get my sweet Benji.

As the busy Captain of the Starship Enterprise, Captain Jean-Luc Picard likes to take a few minutes of time to get back to the basics by using his favorite no. 2 holographic pencil to write down his feelings; partake in a naughty lil midnight snack of chocolate cake with a glass of warm milk; and fantasize about skanky alien hodogs that wear toe rings on each of their 30 toes.

And the toys continue to go in hiding...

My spirited young man has been naughty with a capital N the past few days. Don't get me wrong, I am insanely blessed to have Josh. He can be the sweetest and funniest lil man in the world (at least to moi).

Well, after running off in the mall (2x) and then the next day running out of a restaurant and into the parking lot before I could maneuver Ben in the stroller to the doors, I took away quite a few toys.

This morning Josh was being a bit saucy with his verbiage. He was opening and closing the doors upstairs loudly and Benji was trying to sleep.

Me: Josh, please stop opening and closing the doors. Ben is trying to sleep.

Josh (opens and closes the door): Like this.

Me (rolling my eyes to the point that I feared my retinas would detach): Um, yes, Josh....like that. Please stop...

Josh (opens and closes the door): Or like this.

Me: Josh if you do that again you are going into time out.

Josh: Why, I will only escape and there is nothing you can do about it.

Me: Hmmm, really. I think that if you escape there is something I can do about it.

Josh: No, nahnnny nahnnnny poo poo.

Me (trying to suppress the urge to smack him): Guess what?

Josh: What?

Me: You just lost more of your Batman figures.

Josh: I will find them.

Me: I doubt that Josh. Keep it coming if you want to lose all of them.

Josh is muttering under his breath and then says: I know something you can't take away.

Me: What?

Josh: My imagination.

Me (thinking "holy crap that is good!" but having to discipline my lil linquistic sassmouther): That is correct Josh. I can not take away your imagination and even if I could I never would.

Josh: Can I get my toys back now.

Me: No

Josh: Sorry mommy for being naughty.

Me: Thank you for apologizing.

Josh: How about now? Do I get them back now.

Me: No

Josh: Why are you not giving them back...I said SOOOOORRRRRRRRRRYYYY. (He said this dramatic and sassy-like).

Me: You have to earn them back by being a good boy. We all have our ouchie moments. I am simply asking you to listen to mommy and be respectful.

Of course we had a discussion about personal safety each time my Olympic sprinter darted from the scene on Thursday and Friday.

The boy has been informed that if he runs off again...NO MORE LEGO BATMAN. Holy crap he got a stunned look in his face. DAMN STRAIGHT. MAMA is NOT PLAYING.

I must applaud (inside not outside) Josh for his incredibly clever and witty comebacks. I am like DAMN he is quick-witted. All the sudden I am taking lessons in quick-wittedness from my soon to be 4 year old boy.

Girl Scout Cookies = Bags of Crack

Enough said.

Poo Explosion

My poor wee whipper doodle had quite a dandy of an explosion (I won't get into the color, consistency and smell - ew can describe it well enough). It was EVERYWHERE. Lordy, I was so upset that I recently did the dishes in the sink and had them drying in the adjoining sink. I could have moved my sweet screaming poopy child and hosed him down in the sink. Seeing that the boy currently loathes the water...the neighbors could possibly call DCFS.

Any hootie ho, it is this incident that makes me realize...I would like to give cloth diapers a try once Ben is eating solids. WHY???? Because it just seems nicer for the environment.

So now, I am on the hunt for super sweet deals for cloth diapers. My only prob is that my child is in the 92nd percentile for height/weight and I am afraid to buy anything that I will be using in 2 months. Ben will be turning 4 months on 2/27!

ZOMBIE MOMMY - MJ THRILLER REMAKE

Okay, last night was ever so fun. Note that I am currently bathing in sarcasm stew...practically guzzling sarcasm stew...oozing it out of my gosh darn tired pores.

Yes, every parent has to deal with bedtime struggles. I don't care to hear from the delusional parent that thinks their child shits gold. THEY DON'T SO SHUT THE FLARN FILTH FLARN UP.

Last night Ben was a gassy crying baby mingled with smiles because I hate seeing my wee whipper doodle turning red in the face from crying so hard. Obviously, he finally managed to get to sleep and allow me a couple of hours of much needed rest before I heard from Josh "My penis won't go down.". UM.

So then it was mommy who informed him to try going to the bathroom and maybe it would go down then. Sure enough it did. THANK YOU BABY JESUS. So I am slowly trying to wake up and after 5 more minutes Josh has to run in the hallway with his no voice modulation voice that he has to go poo. I informed him that he doesn't need to announce it to the neighborhood. I realize at this time that it would be a good time to spackle makeup on me to give the illusion of not being a zombie. He finishes his poo party in which I have to wipe his booty and help him wash his hands and yadda yadda.

Then he is amused by his computer...great time to pack the diaper bag and get dressed for the day before Ben wakes up.

THEEEEEEEEEN, it dawns on me that I want to write a script for a MJ Thriller remake with tired parents in a zombie like mode. Oh it has most likely been done but not Joellie-style.

Well "THE MAN" (Chris) is heading out the door to work and I tell him about my plans to remake the THRILLER video while simultaneously unloading the dishwasher and rotating a hula hoop on my right ankle (okay, I didn't have a hula hoop but wouldn't be amazing if I did?).

Chris is amused and then said "Oh, so this is what you do with your free time (ha ha ha ha free time...I digress).".

What I wanted to say: "Yes, I live in a land filled with magical prancing pink ponies that shoot rainbow-colored sprinkles out of their ass. A land where dust bunnies come to life and do the laundry and moldy cheese takes out the garbage."

What I said: "Yep".

Side note: Have you ever looked at your hands and realized a stain on them and said to yourself "HOW THE FUC@ did that get there?". Okay...I am slap happy. I will most likely crash HARD @ noon. Josh will no doubt whip out the PlayDoh and create a lil village of PlayDoh people on my jiggling gut. Ben will just beg to be changed while looking so gosh darn chubilishously cute.

Hmmm, wonder if I will get to pick up my GS cookies this morning from Addie? Probably not since WEE chubilishous baby is sleeping. Ahhhhhhhhhh, what is happening with my right eye? All the sudden it feels like someone threw a big ball of stuff I am allergic into it. GUH. Now my nose is running. Seriously. My body is against me.

And in conclusion...THRILLER.

GRAMMAR or GRAMMER or GRAMMUR

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Deaf, Selective Hearing, Ignoring My Wishes or Just a Complete Asshole

DEAF: Um, not as far as I know but maybe the individuals in question have a ridiculous amount of ear wax clogging up the "LISTENING DUCTS".

SELECTIVE HEARING: I know that this is the case for my son Josh.

What I say: "Josh, don't wake up your brother.".

What he hears: "Josh, why don't you wake up your brother? He'd friggin' love it."

What I say: "Josh, it is time to pick up your toys and put them away."

What he hears: "Josh, it is time to run around in your underwear screaming about not wanting to go to bed and how you have to play with more toys in order to be happy."

What I say: "Josh, please finish your food before leaving the table."

What he hears: "Josh, please run around like an idiot and bang your head on the table a few times because we all enjoy when you bump into us under the table and act like a dog."

IGNORING ME: I know this is what some of my family members do and it irritates the shit out of me...hence me being so regular but I digress.

What I say: "Please do not give him any more toys...at least til his b-day. He expects it everytime he sees you."

What they hear: "Please disregard everything I say and do whatever the heck you want. Heck, go ahead and buy him a new car even though he is not even FOUR yet."

Then I will tell them again about Josh expecting gifts all the time and using this when he is in trouble and has a toy taken from him. "Mommy, I don't care anymore because I can ask $R$IY and they will get it for me." UMMMMMMMM, WTF.

COMPLETE ASSHOLE: Too many to list but my wee one has just woken (is that even a word) up and is upset that I am not in his grill to supply a tasty milky treat.

DUCT TAPE

Recent FB convo.

ME: I need to put duct tape on Josh's mouth so Ben can sleep. Looking fwd to when Ben is older and can jump on Josh's bed to wake him up for school. Good times. Yes, good times.

SIGRID: Revenge can be tricky... What if they figured it be way more fun for both to jump on your bed to get the day started

ME: They need to be prepared for a tickle fest. Because I will bring it on like DONKEY KONG.

orrrrr

I can merely slap them in the head with a pillow and be done with it.

What should I be when I grow up...

This is a question I've been pondering FOREVER (or so it seems).

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL: Artist and Scientist

HIGH SCHOOL: Artist/Art Historian/Scientist

COLLEGE: Artist/Scientist (then that was gone due to a bitch ass nun with a chip on her shoulder. She called me when I had the FLU and told me how I was being unfair to my lab partner and I was dumbfounded. I told her that "My lab partner is one of my best friends and she is well aware that I am sick. In fact, she is going to be leaving notes at my door this evening.". THE BITCH then said -yes, I still remember this- "Well, I saw you on campus walking around and laughing". I said "Sister, I left the confines of my dorm room so that I could get fresh air; food to eat from the cafeteria; my mail; meds for ear infection and happened to bump into a friend who thought I was dead.". The bitch did not apologize instead she said something ridiculous and hung up. I hated her actions and wonder what the hell flew up her ass.)/Due to the Chem teacher being a mega hose beast, I went into Communications

AFTER COLLEGE: Got stuck in the awful world of marketing, pr and advertising. Thought it would be super cool. Nope.

Tried to ESCAPE the heinousness of that world by taking Improv classes (FUN!!!!). Of course, I would merely do it as an escape and not something professionally because that takes an insane amount of talent and a very thick skin.

However, a Mary Kay woman actually helped me transform my world by bringing me back to having a dream. Such a sweet woman. This is when I jump started a bridal makeup artistry biz in 2001 and then went to Pivot Point International to become an esthetician (combining my love of SCIENCE and ART).

NOW: Ummmmm. I am a mommy. Best and most demanding job ever. However, I am longing for a career once my boys are both in school. GUH.

What will I be when I grow up?

SITTING is TRICKY

Benji is very proud of himself for sitting up.

Oh...losing balance.

Slowly falling...

Man down. I repeat BABY DOWN.

It was so precious. Only wish I had a camera on me other than my beloved i-Phone.

Who is Joelle?

I find that people have some wacked ass idea of who I am and I am here to set the record straight.

I :

1. do not talk 24/7. Silence is golden to me.

2. listen as well as I ramble.

3. do swear like a drunken sailor at times and no alcohol has been introduced to the picture.

4. love laughter. It makes my heart smile to make others laugh. There is so much angst in the world that it is nice to escape for awhile.

5. am sometimes quite shy. People either mistake this for being depressed or being a snob.

6. do suffer from depression but find happiness when I look into the eyes of my boys or hear the laughter of family and friends.

7. miss my mother immensely

8. can be a very strict disciplinarian.

9. am honest when I tell people "I'll pray for you" or "Do you need help". I am not one of those wankers that say stupid shit just to look good in the eyes of others. If you need help, call me. I love my friends and will do anything for them (well, almost anything).

10. wish everyone owned a pair of rose-colored glasses.

eh, the list can go on and on and on. But the point being made is that I am not a one-sided individual that is always goofy or rambling on for hours.

In conclusion, don't act like you know someone when you have barely scratched the surface. You have no clue what they have been through to shape them into the person they are today. You have no idea what pain they may have lying in their heart that can never go away.

Ps. Huge pet peeve. Do not tell a person who is depressed "CHEER UP!" Instead ask "Do you need a hug or do you need someone a friendly ear to bend?" CHEER UP is the dumbest fucking statement ever. Do you think that the individual wants to be sad? SERIOUSLY. Some individuals may have every reason to be happy but suffer from a chemical imbalance. So before you idiotically say to someone "You have every reason to be happy.", ask yourself if you truly know this individual inside and out.

Loving You is Easy Because Your Beautiful

I am not talking about myself (even though I love myself as a person, I know that there is always room for improvement). I am talking about my teeth-yellowing fabulous coffee maker by Keurig.

LOVE IT. LOVE IT SO MUCH THAT I WOULD MARRY IT...UM, BECAUSE I LOVE IT.

The object of my affection. Keurig Coffee Maker.

The first part of waking up is yummmmmilishus coffee. DECAF OF COURSE.

First sip is glorious.

Ahhh, ooppps the caffeine kicked in (thought it was decaf).

It's gone, really. That was fast.

My Lil Entertainer

HA HA HA...Josh is always making me laugh...and always testing my patience. After a particularly annoying LUNCH episode in which he refused to eat, I gave up and said "fine, you're done." and took his plate away. He whined "I want my carrots and applesauce still." Fine, whatever.

So Josh decided to act like his carrots were action figures. GO FIGURE. I said "We don't play with our food Josh.". He looked at me and chewed pathetically on the carrot.

Next thing ya know, Captain Jackass is at it again with the food. I said "ENOUGH". He then said "Mommy, where is the carrot?".

Me: In your hand because you have three on your plate so the fourth one is in your hand.

Josh: You're good mommy but try this...(this is when he takes the carrot in his hand and puts his hands behind his back and then whips out both hands in front of his face in a David Copperfield flamboyant way). Now which hand is it in.

Me: Your right (and I pointed to his right hand).

Josh: Wow, you're really good at this. Have you been practicing? Okay, try this. (Once again his hands go behind his back and out again). How about now?

Me: Your left (and I pointed to his left hand).

Josh (He gets a lil frazzled): Hmmm, okay how about now?

Me: Your right.

Josh: You're wrong because I have a carrot in both hands.

Me: Um, Josh, I am not wrong since I found a carrot and you did not ask me to find carrots.

Josh: OH!!! (This is when he picks up one carrot and puts both hands behind his back and then out again). Which hand now?

Me: Right.

Josh (puts his hands behind his back and then shows an empty right hand): Wrong, try again. (He puts both hands behind his back again and then out in front again).

Me: Left.

Josh (puts his hands behind his back and then shows an empty left hand): Ahhhhh HAAAA, you are wrong. Are you wondering how the carrot disappeared?

Me: No

Josh: MOMMY!

Me: Yes, Yes I am.

Josh: Well, let me show you how it is done (this is when he was showing me how the trick was done and how I could now show all my friends).

Josh: TA DAAAA!

Extremely Observant

My son, Josh, never ceases to amaze me.

We were watching two episodes of Scooby Doo with Batman, Robin, Joker and Penquin were in. Throughout each episode he would say something like "Mommy, why isn't Batman wearing his gloves now." I was like WHAT. He said "Rewind it." So, I rewinded the tape to find that in one frame Batman is wearing his gloves holding counterfeit money in the next frame a close-up of the counterfeit money, we see that Batman no longer has on his gloves. UMMMMMM...wow, that was observant. Later in the episode he said "Why is there one less button on the control panel?". I said "What are you talking about?". I rewinded the video again and sure enough a button was missing.

Heck, he even noticed that my husband got a new remote for the garage door since his old one wasn't working. His old remote had 3 buttons on it and was small. The new one has 1 button on it and is the same size. Josh asked him "What happened to the other buttons on your opener?". HOLY CRAP.

Sooooooooo, when Josh acts like he doesn't know where something is, I roll my eyes in disbelief. I'm like "Where did you last put it?". "Mommy, I put it on the kitchen counter but it is no longer there.". Sure enough, I moved his toy back into the toy area and forgot where I had put it. The boy noticed something out of place and said "Help me look mommy!". We found it in the area he thought looked recently messed up.

How can he have this freakish memory yet ............eh, I am floored at the mind of an almost FOUR year old.

He can be freakish one time and then he is back to being a typical lil kid. Yes, his vocab is also impressive...a blessing and a curse.

CANCER SUCKS

I am so sick of hearing about another child losing their life to cancer. It is not fair. I know this may sound evil but I wish they could remove the cancer entirely and put it into someone on death row.

I also hate how someone can be given a clean bill of health and then go into a diabetic coma AND THEN get out of it and have the idiotic hospital staff tell her that they will keep her over the weekend ANDDDDDDD THEN after much discomfort she tells them she is having problems breathing. Next, they take a series of x-rays and find a tumors (yes, plural). Her daughter calls the hospital and they tell her that they plan to get her mother stable so they can address the situation. When her daughter gets to the hospital she sees an x-ray in the ICU and thinks "NO NO NO NO NO, WHY DEAR GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?!?!?" without even being told that it is her mom's x-ray. She musters up the strength to be positive with her mom who is obviously scared and not ready to die. Sadly, even though the daughter is not a doctor...she knows the end is near because there is no way to attack a tumor that large. The daughter plans her mother's funeral (it was beautiful) while her mom fights. Within a week of her mom being told "You have cancer." Her beautiful mom dies. Never to meet the grandchildren she so desperately wanted. My heart has never healed from this devastating loss.

I've lost friends and family members to this awful disease and I have biopsy scars across my body. I wish a miracle could happen and there would be a magic wand to destroy cancer.

In summary, FUCK YOU CANCER!

Super Nanny Needed

My once incredibly sweet child has turned into a demon child. Don't get me wrong, he can still be super sweet, funny and agreeable but lately he is being dreadfully awful.

The boy backtalks and even when I put him in timeout he tells me one of the following:

1. I will defeat you Joker.

2. I can easily get off the couch and play with my toys.

3. You can't stay mad at me.

4. I am going to put YOU (insert the image of a sassy boy pointing his finger in your face) in timeout for being a mean mommy.

5. Grandma says the world revolves around Ben and me.

UMMMMMMMMMMM! Whatever child. SHUT UP and sit still.

Sooooooooooooooooooo, he had a dentist appointment this week and YAY his teeth look good. HOWEVER, they needed two assistants to hold him down to brush his teeth. The dentist informed me that the moment he came in...Josh was cooperative. He said maybe he realized that it was futile to struggle. This seems like normal toddler behavior so I was like what-ev-ah. UNTIL Captain Jackass decided to run into the waiting room while I was making his next appointment to look at fish (once again, this is fine). BUT THEN it is time to go and Josh has gone from talking about fish to one mom in the waiting room to talking about his teeth to a dad in the room and THEN when I tell him it is time to go he said "No, I still haven't gone on the ship." I was like "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?" (Not out loud of course). Instead I said "You have 3 seconds to come over here.".

What did he do next..........he counted to three with me and ran around the ship. So, I said "Goodbye Josh" and walked out of the dentist office (my car was right outside the dentist office so I figured that I could at least get my bag and Ben in the car) got Ben situated. Josh peaked out and asked me if I was kidding about leaving him behind. I said "YES". Then the boy ran inside again. UM.

At this point the nice mommy went to the wayside and the megahosebeast mom came out. I stormed into the waiting room on a mission to get him. He was in the ship and said that he was not done playing. I said "Yes, yes you are done playing. Ben is in the car and we have to go home now.". He said "Well, give Ben a toy to play with in the car, he'll be fine." WHAT!?!??! This is when I dragged his ass out of the boat and used his butt as a mop for the dentist office's floor.

So we get into the car and this is where I unleash the madness. I inform him that this is a warning (next time he won't receive one)...the Lego Bat Cave will be gone (only for a day - hidden in my hubby's walk-in closet - don't even get me started on that topic). The boy said "No it won't. I can buy it and play with it.". I said "With what money are you going to buy it." "I will get into Daddy's wallet and pay for it.". This is when I picked up the phone and called my husband to tell him that his son is an asshole. Josh was very upset about this and even more upset when I told him that his Lego Bat Cave was going to be sold. HOLY CRAP the child cried and cried and I LOVED IT. This may seem evil to be happy about my son's sadness but none of the PROFESSIONAL nanny techniques are working on him.............therefore, I am merely going to take away a favorite toy.

On a positive note, while waiting in the dentist's office a group of the parents shared very amusing stories about their lil ones and troubles with disciplining them. It was a lot of fun. It would have been more fun if the assistants came out and offered us a nice lil alcoholic beverage to take the edge off the rest of the day with our beloved whipper doodles.

Today, I almost broke down in front of a friend because I am at a loss of what to do. My son does not listen; he does not respond well to timeouts; he is an a-hole when I lock him in his room...HELPPPPP!!!!!!!!

SOCCER

Starting to make a suit made out of bubble wrap for my danger prone daphne son (yep, that is borrowed from Scooby Doo) that is starting soccer in March.

Already have the shin guards and am seriously thinking of making him wear a bike helmet and some googles. Heck, why not make him wear a mouth guard as well.

Well, I gotta get the lil crying cherub (seriously thought he was DOWN for the night...NOPE) and then back to making the most kick ass bubble wrap suit for Josh.

Wii Lego Batman was made by SATAN

Okay, my husband (not knowing the monster he was creating) bought Josh the Wii Lego Batman game. More like he bought it for himself but I digress.

Well, Josh is super duper pooper scooper nutzo over Super Heroes and Super Villains. He saw this game and was hooked. He could watch it for hours. Now he actually plays it with Chris. Oi Vey.

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, now I get to hear everyday how much he (JOSH) loves Lego Batman and wants to play Lego Batman and................my new name is Joker (because I like purple, am pale and sometimes wear lipstick), Chris is Mr. Freeze (because he is tall, big and bald), Ben is Robin, Josh is Batman, Penquin is Grandma Geiger, The Riddler is Grandpa Geiger, Bat Girl is Micah (don't know how that happened Breanna), Poison Ivy is Christine (Christopher & Nicholas' mommy) and the list is growing.

He is pretty much Batman 24/7...at least it is better than the animal phase he went through in which he would pretend he was a dog for HOURS. It was cute for the first few days and then after a month, I was like "SNAP OUT OF IT. YOU ARE A KID!!!! YOUR FRIENDS DO NOT WANT TO PLAY WITH A DOG, THEY CAME TO PLAY WITH YOU. "

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE Josh's amazing imagination and creativity but when his whole world revolves around something it gets to be a bit much.

I love my crazy Superhero obsessed child because now I get to watch the cheesy SUPERFRIENDS (70s campy).

Is there a thing known as pizza overload?

Hellz No! OMG, I think I ate an entire family size pizza by myself tonight at a Digiorno Pizza Game Day Fiesta. I say I think because I tried every pizza that was made.

Josh gave the meat pizza a hearty two thumbs up and exclaimed "This is the best pizza EVER!!!". Um, and then he didn't finish the rest of it. Um.

Ben (a.k.a. Chub of Love) merely waiting for the pizza to be passed in my breast milk. This is why he is such an adorable chub.

Anyway, I highly recommend signing up to win the opportunity to host a Digiorno Pizza party. You have no idea how lucky the Geiger clan felt that we were invited to one. The kids had a blast and I gained 10 lbs in one night. OH YAY...back to why people should host one...

1. To invite ME.

2. Get awesome coupons (woot woot) to distribute to friends.

3. Get 6 insanely awesome pizzas for free. FREE. FREEEEEEE!

Okay, my lard ass needs to slumber. I may need to pump every two hours in order to burn off the extreme amount of calories I consumed tonight. BUT YUMMMMMMMM!

Note to self: Chase each slice of pizza with wine next time. Not saying that being a wino is a good thing but wine and pizza are a nice combo.

Gassy Ass

Enough said.

Domestic Goddess - Um

I have had the opportunity to review some lovely blogs in which the blogger discusses their meal plans and posts pics of their newest creations. It has inspired me.

It inspired me so much so that I excitedly ran to my bookcase (that happens to have quite a few cookbooks...CARB ADDICT, Cooking for Your Body Type, Italian, Fat and Loving It...) and dove into the pages while my eldest played with his Bat Cave and my youngest lay asleep in his car seat (yes, his car seat). I even ripped up an old brochure to use as page holders. Heck, Josh stopped playing with the Super heroes and Super villains in the Bat Cave to find his camera to take pics of this momentous occasion. I swear he was mocking me but...he was like "ICK ICK ICK...oooooooo, what is this...pizza...hmmmm, you must make this." Of course he also said he wanted to try Roman bruschetta. UMMMMMM, no you don't Josh because you don't like onions. DOH!

Anyway, I was getting excited about actually cooking stuff instead of buying a bunch of ready made stuff. Ya know...steam in the bag veggies; chicken nuggets in the shape of Mickey Mouse; 500 calorie a teaspoonful of macaroni and cheese (yep, the one with the package of Velveeta. OMG, when I was a scrawny waif of a chica, I would scarf that crap down. Now, I simply smell it and my ass expands).

So now, the big prob is going shopping with a wild child and a newborn. I applaud the parents that go into the store with their 10 kids and fill a shopping cart with no hassle.

My goal is to cook more food for my fam even though I have a mini-me who is a super picky eater (I was the SAME way when I was a wee whipperdoodle.).