Super Nanny Needed

My once incredibly sweet child has turned into a demon child. Don't get me wrong, he can still be super sweet, funny and agreeable but lately he is being dreadfully awful.

The boy backtalks and even when I put him in timeout he tells me one of the following:

1. I will defeat you Joker.

2. I can easily get off the couch and play with my toys.

3. You can't stay mad at me.

4. I am going to put YOU (insert the image of a sassy boy pointing his finger in your face) in timeout for being a mean mommy.

5. Grandma says the world revolves around Ben and me.

UMMMMMMMMMMM! Whatever child. SHUT UP and sit still.

Sooooooooooooooooooo, he had a dentist appointment this week and YAY his teeth look good. HOWEVER, they needed two assistants to hold him down to brush his teeth. The dentist informed me that the moment he came in...Josh was cooperative. He said maybe he realized that it was futile to struggle. This seems like normal toddler behavior so I was like what-ev-ah. UNTIL Captain Jackass decided to run into the waiting room while I was making his next appointment to look at fish (once again, this is fine). BUT THEN it is time to go and Josh has gone from talking about fish to one mom in the waiting room to talking about his teeth to a dad in the room and THEN when I tell him it is time to go he said "No, I still haven't gone on the ship." I was like "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?" (Not out loud of course). Instead I said "You have 3 seconds to come over here.".

What did he do next..........he counted to three with me and ran around the ship. So, I said "Goodbye Josh" and walked out of the dentist office (my car was right outside the dentist office so I figured that I could at least get my bag and Ben in the car) got Ben situated. Josh peaked out and asked me if I was kidding about leaving him behind. I said "YES". Then the boy ran inside again. UM.

At this point the nice mommy went to the wayside and the megahosebeast mom came out. I stormed into the waiting room on a mission to get him. He was in the ship and said that he was not done playing. I said "Yes, yes you are done playing. Ben is in the car and we have to go home now.". He said "Well, give Ben a toy to play with in the car, he'll be fine." WHAT!?!??! This is when I dragged his ass out of the boat and used his butt as a mop for the dentist office's floor.

So we get into the car and this is where I unleash the madness. I inform him that this is a warning (next time he won't receive one)...the Lego Bat Cave will be gone (only for a day - hidden in my hubby's walk-in closet - don't even get me started on that topic). The boy said "No it won't. I can buy it and play with it.". I said "With what money are you going to buy it." "I will get into Daddy's wallet and pay for it.". This is when I picked up the phone and called my husband to tell him that his son is an asshole. Josh was very upset about this and even more upset when I told him that his Lego Bat Cave was going to be sold. HOLY CRAP the child cried and cried and I LOVED IT. This may seem evil to be happy about my son's sadness but none of the PROFESSIONAL nanny techniques are working on him.............therefore, I am merely going to take away a favorite toy.

On a positive note, while waiting in the dentist's office a group of the parents shared very amusing stories about their lil ones and troubles with disciplining them. It was a lot of fun. It would have been more fun if the assistants came out and offered us a nice lil alcoholic beverage to take the edge off the rest of the day with our beloved whipper doodles.

Today, I almost broke down in front of a friend because I am at a loss of what to do. My son does not listen; he does not respond well to timeouts; he is an a-hole when I lock him in his room...HELPPPPP!!!!!!!!

SOCCER

Starting to make a suit made out of bubble wrap for my danger prone daphne son (yep, that is borrowed from Scooby Doo) that is starting soccer in March.

Already have the shin guards and am seriously thinking of making him wear a bike helmet and some googles. Heck, why not make him wear a mouth guard as well.

Well, I gotta get the lil crying cherub (seriously thought he was DOWN for the night...NOPE) and then back to making the most kick ass bubble wrap suit for Josh.

Wii Lego Batman was made by SATAN

Okay, my husband (not knowing the monster he was creating) bought Josh the Wii Lego Batman game. More like he bought it for himself but I digress.

Well, Josh is super duper pooper scooper nutzo over Super Heroes and Super Villains. He saw this game and was hooked. He could watch it for hours. Now he actually plays it with Chris. Oi Vey.

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, now I get to hear everyday how much he (JOSH) loves Lego Batman and wants to play Lego Batman and................my new name is Joker (because I like purple, am pale and sometimes wear lipstick), Chris is Mr. Freeze (because he is tall, big and bald), Ben is Robin, Josh is Batman, Penquin is Grandma Geiger, The Riddler is Grandpa Geiger, Bat Girl is Micah (don't know how that happened Breanna), Poison Ivy is Christine (Christopher & Nicholas' mommy) and the list is growing.

He is pretty much Batman 24/7...at least it is better than the animal phase he went through in which he would pretend he was a dog for HOURS. It was cute for the first few days and then after a month, I was like "SNAP OUT OF IT. YOU ARE A KID!!!! YOUR FRIENDS DO NOT WANT TO PLAY WITH A DOG, THEY CAME TO PLAY WITH YOU. "

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE Josh's amazing imagination and creativity but when his whole world revolves around something it gets to be a bit much.

I love my crazy Superhero obsessed child because now I get to watch the cheesy SUPERFRIENDS (70s campy).

Is there a thing known as pizza overload?

Hellz No! OMG, I think I ate an entire family size pizza by myself tonight at a Digiorno Pizza Game Day Fiesta. I say I think because I tried every pizza that was made.

Josh gave the meat pizza a hearty two thumbs up and exclaimed "This is the best pizza EVER!!!". Um, and then he didn't finish the rest of it. Um.

Ben (a.k.a. Chub of Love) merely waiting for the pizza to be passed in my breast milk. This is why he is such an adorable chub.

Anyway, I highly recommend signing up to win the opportunity to host a Digiorno Pizza party. You have no idea how lucky the Geiger clan felt that we were invited to one. The kids had a blast and I gained 10 lbs in one night. OH YAY...back to why people should host one...

1. To invite ME.

2. Get awesome coupons (woot woot) to distribute to friends.

3. Get 6 insanely awesome pizzas for free. FREE. FREEEEEEE!

Okay, my lard ass needs to slumber. I may need to pump every two hours in order to burn off the extreme amount of calories I consumed tonight. BUT YUMMMMMMMM!

Note to self: Chase each slice of pizza with wine next time. Not saying that being a wino is a good thing but wine and pizza are a nice combo.

Gassy Ass

Enough said.

Domestic Goddess - Um

I have had the opportunity to review some lovely blogs in which the blogger discusses their meal plans and posts pics of their newest creations. It has inspired me.

It inspired me so much so that I excitedly ran to my bookcase (that happens to have quite a few cookbooks...CARB ADDICT, Cooking for Your Body Type, Italian, Fat and Loving It...) and dove into the pages while my eldest played with his Bat Cave and my youngest lay asleep in his car seat (yes, his car seat). I even ripped up an old brochure to use as page holders. Heck, Josh stopped playing with the Super heroes and Super villains in the Bat Cave to find his camera to take pics of this momentous occasion. I swear he was mocking me but...he was like "ICK ICK ICK...oooooooo, what is this...pizza...hmmmm, you must make this." Of course he also said he wanted to try Roman bruschetta. UMMMMMM, no you don't Josh because you don't like onions. DOH!

Anyway, I was getting excited about actually cooking stuff instead of buying a bunch of ready made stuff. Ya know...steam in the bag veggies; chicken nuggets in the shape of Mickey Mouse; 500 calorie a teaspoonful of macaroni and cheese (yep, the one with the package of Velveeta. OMG, when I was a scrawny waif of a chica, I would scarf that crap down. Now, I simply smell it and my ass expands).

So now, the big prob is going shopping with a wild child and a newborn. I applaud the parents that go into the store with their 10 kids and fill a shopping cart with no hassle.

My goal is to cook more food for my fam even though I have a mini-me who is a super picky eater (I was the SAME way when I was a wee whipperdoodle.).

Funny Metaphors Used In High School Essays

Damn funny stuff that Breanna shared with me. God bless you child.

Funny Metaphors Used In High School Essays

Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Overprotective or A Parent that gives a rat's ass

My husband mentioned to me that I am overprotective of our children. Ummmmm, I am protective because they took a long time to make and by jove...they are my lil rays of sunshine in a somewhat depressing world.

I've gone to playgrounds where woman gather around in a covered pavilion with the thermos of coffee while their children run amok on a playground that is SOOOOOOOOOO not designed for a 3 or 4 year old child. Well, I tried at one time to be one of those women and then had to make a mad dash to the playground to save my child because a bunch of older kids were pushing aside younger kids to get down the slide (now I know that the older kids are merely wanting to play but the moment I see a bitch ass attitude on the child...I go into SMACK DOWN mode. Where is this child's parent...probably reading a book on the opposite side of the park or swimming with the alligators...NO don't watch your child. Are you just praying that stranger danger nabs them or that they decide that they are done with the play area and want to swim with the gators or play jump rump with a poisonous snake or ride on a wild boar...you get the drift.

Anyway, I want my child to be able to explore the world and have fun doing so but I am not going to be the mom that sits back and lets my child get seriously injured. It took only once for me to see a young child fall from one of those openings in on playground equipment and have the air knocked out of them to make me say "FUCK YOU! to the peeps that think I am overprotective and restricting my child's playing experience. I am letting him explore without killing himself. I am also letting him know the importance of being courteous to others."

Also, I am going to comment on if my child is running on hardwood floor with socks to "Be careful so that you don't slip and bang your head on the floor." Take if from me, I have a scar on my lip to prove that you need to be careful in the house.

If Josh decides that he wants to go into X-treme Sports when he is older...so be it. As long as he knows the possible injuries that can happen.

So in summary:

If making my child wear a helmet when he rides a bike (um, still working on that one and ummmm, when I was a child I rode my bike all over and never had a helmet...maybe too many bangs to the head made me the cautious mama today) OR

Informing my child to be careful on the playground OR

Taking a stick away from my child is considered overprotective then fine. I think it is just being a parent who gives a rat's ass about their child. I've seen the kids play with large ass sticks as if they are light sabers. Ummm, are you waiting for your child to be hit...heck, I've seen it. I've also seen a child with a fake eye because of a head injury.

My words for those "devil may care" parents are...put your damn coffee cup down and actually discipline your children when they push or bite a child and do not act surprised if someone else does it for you. Don't be pissy when someone tells you that YOUR child hit their child. Own up and confront your child. Remove them from the situation. Good lordy is it really that difficult.

If your child is about to jump off the roof because he thinks he can fly by using an umbrella...turn off your computer or stop watching your reality tv and stop him. DUH. Dumb ass muthatruckers.

Accidents happen. Just ask Josh (holy crap the bumps on his noggin; scrapes and bruises are numerous)

My Son is Hilarious

Josh told me the other day "Mommy, Ben sharted in his pants.". Then later in the day my husband farts and he screams "Daddy, you better check to see if you sharted in your pants. Mommy has wipes.".
=================

Today, after being in an extended timeout for not listening and being a whirling dervish of destruction...Josh whipped out something that actually led to his freedom from timeout due to me laughing like a friggin' idiot.

Sooooo, the boy loves his super heroes. He is sitting in timeout talking about how he has to save people and lives are being lost because of him being in timeout. I ignore this but am hiding my amusement. Next thing you know the child presses on his left breast (as if there is a communication device there) and whispers "Superman, I am being held captive and can not help. Hold on, I found a cloaking device (yes, the kid is a freak vocabulary-wise) and may be able to get past mommy." Next thing that happens is that Josh takes a nearby blanket and jumps of the couch. I once again had to hide my amusement and tell him to get back on the couch or he will have a longer timeout. This time he is sitting there for two minutes and presses on his left breast again and says "Batman, tell Robin that I may have a plan to meet him at the bank. I've discovered that I can run super fast. So fast that mommy will not know that I am missing.". Within two seconds of spitting this out, Josh runs around the downstairs and hops back onto the couch. I am still holding onto the laughter until he says "Batman, she doesn't even know that I left the couch.". OMG, I laughed so damn hard that I almost wet myself. I told Josh that his timeout was over and he giggled with me.

I had to call my husband up to tell him the story because it was so damn funny.

DUMBFOUNDED

I did not post til now since I am still reeling from horrible news.

DEVASTATING FIRE

The Boddison family (Julie, Dennis, Chase and Gavin) lost their home, all the possessions within the home and their beloved pets on Sunday when their home burned down. Thank you God for them not being at home during the time of the fire but I grieve their losses.

Positive Spin Time: Some of Julie's closest friends organized a donation drive. A large number of individuals donated toys, clothes, toiletries and etc for this sweet family. It makes my heart smile to see such good in the world. To know that the community came together so quickly to aid this family.

If you would like to make a donation for the family, please contact Allison at ujay1025@aol.com.

RYLEE GETS HER WINGS

After a long struggle in her short life with Mitochondrial disease, Rylee Andersen (Janet Congero's beautiful lil angel) passed on last night.

It was only a few weeks ago the family was looking for a hospice for Rylee and trying to figure out a WISH to request for her.

My heart aches for the family during this difficult time but my heart also takes comfort in knowing that this beautiful lil girl is free from pain. She is hopefully playing among the clouds in heaven watching over her family (being their lil guardian angel). Rest in peace Rylee.

ADVICE GIVERS

Alright. I appreciate sage advice from a seasoned veteran but when a single woman feels the need to tell me how to raise a child because she use to teach children (This is not about my beloved Jenny Mulert...so don't go thinkin' that I am slammin' her) and knows that a lil discipline goes a long way...I want to smack the shit out of them. Really...disciplining a child. Gee never thought of doing that. Thought that just birthing them was good enough. Heck, I just let my eldest run naked with scissors in 30 degree weather. WTF...of course I discipline him. DUMB ASSES.

When they tell me to HUSH about my eldest child being a dillrod (just a wee status message I had on FB) because I am blessed to be able to have children...I SAY "Ummmmmmm, are you NEW? Do you even know me??" SERIOUSLY people...I love my children and they provide countless hours of laughter and mayhem. Anyone who knows me even a lil bit knows that I would slay a dragon for them and feel very blessed to have them. Don't tell me to HUSH. Do I tell you to hush when you go on about how many bottle of liquor you downed the night before and how funny you think your antics were? Hell no because I think it is pathetic that you think it is super cool to drink til you are violently ill and fail to remember what you did before. Why do I think you are pathetic...because I use to do it and ya know what...It is fucking stupid. (wow, just got off the topic for a moment).

Some single people must have this candy-coated version of what parenting is. GUSH GUSH GUSH about how awesome their children are and yadda yadda. Um, yes my Josh is kick ass because he is smart and damn funny but the child suffers from a serious case of verbal diarrhea. I can't really complain about Ben because he is a wee baby (I just wish he would go down for bedtime earlier than 11 pm. I have tried people but keep in mind that he is only 2 months old).

OMG, I had some woman look at me and say "You look great for having a 10 week old baby. Don't worry, you'll lose the baby weight." Ummmm, I gained 25 lbs with Ben and already lost the weight but now the blubber has been distributed differently...all in my gut area. Why can't people shut up.

Okay, when I set out to write this post it was so nicely composed in my head but now that I am writing it, it is all over the damn place. guh. Maybe I should no longer blog.

Okay, another note...I use the letter/word "I" a lot and it annoys me. I this and I that.

Florida is on a collision course with the polar ice caps

YES YES YES, it is only in the low 30s and that is considered a heat wave to my beloved Midwestern peeps. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT I am in Southwest Florida (a.k.a. Satan's Ass Crevice) and do not have winter garments. Heck, I went to the store on Friday with my boys to find some wintery garb for them at discount prices because I am not about to whip out $80 for a coat that they will wear for a week. No luck. OH YEAH, on Friday it was in the upper 60s then someone forgot to close the freezer door and Saturday was a high of 39 or something (I have no clue what it actually got up to since I stayed in a heated home with my offspring).

SIDE NOTE: Thank you Keuring coffee maker for keeping me awake and keeping me warm.

What amused me today were the number of peeps saying "GLOBAL WARMING...MY ASS" on their facebook statuses. Um, I can go off on this topic but then somebody would inevitably get their granny or grampy panties in a bind and I am soooo not in the mood for a debate.

OH WAIT WAIT WAIT...there is more. So my Dad (resides in NW Indiana) left me a voicemail earlier in the week about sending me my childhood sled. MUAH HA HA, Dad made a funny. Anyhootie ho, I called him today and told him that it was crazy cold outside and he went on about how it is probably negative something or other in his hood when you factor in the windchill. No shit! I lived in Chicago for several years and know that it can say 18 but feel like -100 (okay that is an extreme exaggeration but when you are waiting for the unpredictable el train to arrive with a bunch of other corporate slaves and a cold gust of wind hits you in the face...you swear that it was -100).

Anyway, the phone call goes from me saying "Ha ha Dad" to him going off on a tangent (yes, the disease of being tangental runs in my family) that originally was only about the weather. Next thing I know he is telling me about the energy bill possibly being passed and how awful it is because their are oodles of people out of work and losing their homes and now those people who do have some piddle ass job barely scraping by are going to be smacked in the face with insanely high utility bills and blah de friggin' blah.

All I could do was sit on the couch in silence with Ben happily feeding away on my exposed boobage. Ummmm.

So then I think he is going to stop but I find out that my grandfather (dad's dad) could have been the Ward Alderman (in Chicago) because the guy who was the Ward Alderman ran for the Senate or House of Reps (I have no clue what group he said because I flaked out...between hearing my eldest talk about the Scooby Doo episode that was on and having a boob deflated by starving lil man...I flaked) and got in and then my grandfather was told to run for Ward Alderman but my grandfather turned it down because my grandmother (who I never met...lil side note there for ya) was very ill. But allegedly he would have got the job.

SIDE NOTE: Ummmmmmmm, I can not imagine Grandpa Zemaitis being a Ward Alderman. All I could remember of him as a child was him smelling like a brewery. Later on in life we bonded over art and marketing...he was stunned we had so much in common since I am a GIRL and most of the time he barely talked to me because of this fact. This was okay since he moved to Florida in the 70s after his beloved died and he remarried a sweet Southern gal. Once again, I digress (you will notice that I will say that A LOT in posts...why???...ummmmm, because I am tangental - thinking of writing a musical about it but then it wouldn't make any sense because it would be one giant tangent that may never circle around to the main point-).

Just felt the need to say "WTF are you thinking Mother Nature?".

Leg is asleep and other nonsense

I am a whirling dervish that should be sleeping so I am keeping this short and sweet.

Started a group on Facebook called SWFL Ha Ha Ho Improv/Comedy Lovers. Check it select it.

Here is a recent post I placed on the OPEN GROUP.

It is merely a holding cell for peeps who love life and love to laugh. Share amusing stories of your life; get together to attend comedy clubs across SWFL (heck, I am from Chicago and relatively new to SWFL so I need someone to hold my hand to the ARTS available here); share amusing YOU TUBE stuff; write inspirational stuff and so forth and blah de friggin blah.

Okay...my back aches, my left leg has fallen asleep (it is going to suck ass when I stand up and feel pins and needles in my legs) and I have a wee newborn who thinks it is party time central right now. Of course, if my preschooler had his way, he would still be playing Wii. I DIGRESS.

ALSO...I am jumpstarting a book club because a couple of peeps who were saying "We need to form a book club." Soooooo, instead of sitting on my wide flat ass waiting for this to come to fruition, I started a PRIVATE GROUP on Facebook called SWFL Book Worms & Winos. It is a collection of fab peeps (mostly mamas). Most have not met one another. YAY, for meeting new friends and so on. If you wish to be a part of it, then shoot me an email.

Okay, now my back aches and both legs have fallen asleep. What the fiddlesticks? Maybe I can sleep. WAIT...Ben is still debating on whether sleeping is a good idea. OI VEY.

Ahhh Memories from being Preggo

I came across a post in the wee hours of the morning and couldn't help but giggle. Especially since my hubby just uploaded the photos from Josh's digital camera to the computer. In that upload are pics from the day (in mid-October 2009) that is described below.

Pics such as the interior of the Honda car dealership's man cave (waiting room); the Halloween decorations; the Parts counter with his new buds (they were so amused by his antics they had to shower him with candy...yay, a mother's dream come true...give a spaz some candy); pics of the Diego episode we were watching on the portable DVD player (it was the Whale Shark episode); a guide dog picture; a photo of my knee cap (suhhhhweeeet); the COSTCO gas station; and a picture of his smiley fries from Bob Evans. Good times my friends. Good times.

I shall set the scene and then post the POST. I was very preggolishus at the time and had to take my car in with my Josh in tow. Let's just say that I thought it was idiotic for me to do this and thought that my hubby could do this when I was in the hospital because UMMMMMMM, wouldn't be needing my car. BUT, SAFETY FIRST and my hubby was super busy ANNNNND he would not let it go.

THE POST

Soooooo, the moment I pulled up to the dealership, Josh and I were treated like VIPs. No doubt the peeps thought I may give birth at any moment and that they needed to speed up the process (believe me...there were cars ahead of me ) or they would have a mess to clean up.

Sales men were coming up to me while Josh and I were sitting in one of the oversized leather "man cave-type" chairs asking if they could get us anything. Josh wanted to document the ever so special ocassion by taking pictures of the establishment (we brought along his digital camera and DVD player). It was amusing because Josh had to do a running commentary. Good Lord the child is damn funny. The guys behind the Parts counter talked with Josh and were such dolls to ask me if he could have some candy. Josh was giddy and found some new best friends.

Two sales men were amused by Josh and talked to me about their large families (I just wanted to eat up these breeders).

So then my lil documentary maker simmers down with a packet of sweettarts. We watch a Diego episode. The sugar kicks in and Josh takes photos of the Diego "Underwater Mystery" episode in which we find out about a whale shark. Thennnnnnn it is over and a sweet yet overly social (yet a lil awkward...so sweet though) walks in with a service dog. She asks if Josh would like to pet her 2 year old doggy (we found out his bday is Oct 25-turning 2) that she takes to hospitals to lift peep's spirits. Joshie was elated.

Thennnnn, a good looking man in his 40s with sleeves of tattoos informs me that the car is done. I pay and then leave.

We go on our next journey...Costco gas station and the attendant looks at me and smiles. she says "Any day now? Are you expecting twins?". I grin and say I have a love for beer and doughnuts but Josh spills the beans (shouting from the car) that his baby brother is in my belly. So the woman and Josh have a convo. I swear at one point she was going to eat him up because she kept saying how sweet he is.

Thennnnnnnn, we hit Bob Evans so Josh could devour everything in site (oh yes, he had to document our experience there). At the end of our meal...a Tastefully Simple Rep came to our table to drop off lit. She was so nice that I couldn't tell her to shut up so I took the lit and babbled about the beer bread. Josh (as if reading me.) stood up on the bench and gave me a bear hug and told the woman that he loves me and that we need to go (so he can play...).

Next thing you know the whirling dervish sneaks under the table and pretends to run a marathon throughout Bob Evans. Seeing that I move at a snail's pace, I gathered up our goodies and then snag the obnoxious lunatic. Good grief.

When we got in the car...I take a deep cleansing breath in and enjoy the fact that my wackadoo is hogtied (FYI, harnessed in his car seat). I pull out the phone to check messages and my
mil's angellic voice is heard. Her
message was to check on how we are doing and if I need help this afternoon with Josh. After the choir of angels sang...I call her and wanted to scream "Hell yeah I want some help" but instead tell her that Josh misses her and would love to spend a few hours with Grandma and Grandpa.

So then I drive home with my chatter box in the back seat. After a few minutes...a peaceful quietness fills the car...then snoring. The child went into a food coma.

We get home and I had to sit in the car til Josh woke up because I was instructed to not lift heavy objects. Hmmm... a 36 lb pile of sleeping cuteness is definitely a heavy item.

Thennnnn g&g came by to pick up Josh and then....guheee I rested.

* This story has been brought to you by insomnia, the iPhone and the letters WTF (as in WTF am I doing up).

Escape Artist Foiled!

Whoever said "Parenting is Easy!" was on crack, had a nanny, a personal chef (just for their picky eater), a maid and a mute button.

I feel incredibly blessed to have two beautiful boys and I KNOW it is only going to be more chaotic/fun to watch them grow up together.

My son, Josh is a whirling dervish of nonstop activity. Heck, he can't even sit still for his favorite movies or while playing his educational games on the computer. He is always moving. Sooooooooooooooooooo, here is the story that happened about a week ago.

Some peeps had come over to purchase a grill (from Craigslist - side note: They now claim the grill doesn't work and want their money back. Ummmm, it worked fine when we sold it to them...God only knows the stupidity it took for them to break it. BUT since I don't want to deal with head cases coming back to my casa, I mailed the woman a check for the grill and told her to scrap it herself. I have a strong feeling that the woman did not refill the tank on the grill and this is why it didn't work. She was probably too embarrassed to admit she did this but I DIGRESS since this is not the main purpose of this post.) in the evening.

I showed the peeps the grill and Josh decided to run into the garage to introduce himself (future Cruise Director...possibly). Well, it was cold and I told Josh to please finish dinner with Daddy and keep an eye on Ben for mommy.

The peeps decided they wanted the grill but needed help dismantling it. My hubby finished his meal and helped them do this and loaded it into their car. Well, the hubby ran back into the house and up the stairs for some unknown reason. Heck, I thought the deal was all done and began to breast feed Ben on the couch in the living room. Josh joined us in the living room with his superhero collection.

All the sudden a bug must have bitten his butt (not literally) and he bolted out of the room saying "I need to see if they need help.". I screamed at him that the people were gone and to come back. Well, in a split second, Josh unlocked the door and darted into the darkness of the outdoors.

I screamed for Chris (hubby) but he was MIA (guh). So, I promptly unlatched Ben (um, very unhappy baby) and placed him in his nearby car seat. Then I darted to the door to see Josh talking to the strangers near the car in the back of our house. I was like "WTF". THANK YOU LORD ABOVE for these strangers not being crazy serial killers. Then Josh ran into the street (IN THE DARK). I had to run after the a-hole child. Drag his ass in the house and screamed at him so loud that the neighbors in the next community probably heard me. He stomped his feet and told me that it was no big deal and that is when I put him in timeout and he said "NO!". This is when I should have walked away but I spanked his butt. Did you know what happened next? HE LAUGHED!! That's right. He laughed. I was livid.

Chris came downstairs (found out he was looking for instructions to take the damn grill apart- um) do see me literally fuming mad. I told him briefly that our idiot child bolted out the door into the street and what the fuck was he doing?

ANYWAY, Chris helped the Craigslisters while I began breastfeeding Ben again.

Long story short...the very next day we invested in some saucy latches that drill into the door frame. LOVE THEM and they only cost a mere $2.50. LOVE THEM.

Josh recently tried to get out because he wanted to blow bubbles and was thwarted. MUAH HA HA ... evil mommy.

I love my son and do not want him to get hurt. Josh and Ben are my reason for waking up each day. They are my sunshine and my rain.

It feels good to know that I can breastfeed Ben and not have to worry about my escape artist introducing himself to neighbors or taking a swim in an alligator filled lake.

Hunger Strike for Political Cause or Really Stubborn Child?

Reposted from FACEBOOK (Jan 6, 2009 topic)
I am wondering how you get an insanely stubborn child to simmer down and eat? When he does eat, it takes him forever since he doesn't shut up or runs around. He fidgets so much that I am about to superglue his ass to the chair.

Breanna likes this.

Tika: sounds REALLY familiar

Star: yep here too ;)

Me: Star and Tika, I have lost my patience with him. Guh.

Erin R: I have thought about tying mine to the chair during mealtimes! Ok i would never do it but it would at least keep him in one spot!

Laura G K: Uh yeah same thing here too.. sooo frustrating, really are we allowed to glue them? What about maybe using a rope?

Allison S: I have heard some people use a timer so they know to sit and eat and not mess around.....

Jill L: Our kid is just done eating if he starts playing or getting up. We take his plate away. You can tell if he is actually still hungry or not by how he reacts to that. :)

Me: We just started the... "You leave the table, you are done eating.". He is only allowed a glass of milk. He got upset with me last night when his meal disappeared from the table. Duhhh, I am not kidding about no more food.

Um, it is 2:15 and he is finally eating lunch. No doubt he will be eating an hour from now. He is now talking about Scooby Doo episodes and I just want to scream "Shut up and eat already.".

He is getting too thin and I am going to bring up his lack of food consumption (unless it is pizza) to his doc at his 4 year old appt.

I am grateful however that he is pretty good with his baby bro. Yes, he is still 3 and forgets "Gentle!!!!". He also has no voice modulation (only one volume...loud) and tends to wake up his bro. Thank God Ben can sleep through most of it.

Going from one to two

WOW...my beloved first born is a handful with his sassmouth and stubborn-ness but he makes me laugh on a daily basis. Plus he is the best hugger and laundry helper that I know.

Well, I remember thinking that juggling multiple responsibilities on top of raising a child was difficult. THEN I added on to my wee family and had a new admiration for parents who have more than one child, a career, a hobby/passion and yadda yadda.

My life is much richer with my children in it even though the screaming matches I have with my first born may not make it seem so.

Thank you God for blessing me with two children. I pray that they stay healthy; have a love for acquiring knowledge; they follow their dreams and never let someone squash them; they are kind and caring; they are freakishly brilliant (eh, mommy needs them to get scholarships to afford higher education - holy crap it will be INSANE when Josh is college-aged); they love mama a lot and be respectful and take care of me when I become a bitch ass granny yelling at kids to get off my lawn or I will squirt them with a hose...I DIGRESS. You get the picture.

If this post seems nonsensical...it is because I am working on a low amount of sleep. Heck, I am lucky if I managed to have one sentence without a grammatical error. This post is probably an English majors dream (Put the red pen down bitches because once I get rolling on this blog...your hands will be sore from making all the mental notes on how craptacular my sentence structure can be...because damn it, I am not about to spell check shit.) Once again I digress.

My party animals on NYE. Ben drank too much and passed out. Josh played too much Wii Lego Batman and passed out. They both woke up and I seriously thought they wouldn't go down til midnight. Ohhhh the joys of battles at bedtime.

Testing

I am testing the goods.

Heck, I really don't have time to be blogging but I do need a creative outlet.

WAIT...some dumbasses in my community must be slam dancing against my house. WTF! Wait here for a moment while I kick some ass then come inside again to cuddle with my two boys .... Captain Sassmouth and Mr. Poopsalotapus. Cute kids...draining....cute kids..........love them..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.